Madness
🌿 STONER JOKES — The Ultimate Collection
Grab a snack, settle in, and prepare for brain-cell gymnastics.
🔥 CLASSIC STONER ONE-LINERS
- I tried to roll a joint… but it rolled away.
- If being high was a job, I’d be employee of the month—every month.
- I don’t have the munchies. The munchies have me.
- I smoke weed for medical reasons… the reason is: I’m too sober.
- My dealer said, “Don’t tell anyone.” Bro… I already forgot who told me.
- I asked my weed, “Why don’t you ever listen?” It said, “Because I’m a little hard of hearing.”
- I don’t always get high… wait, what were we talking about?
- I’m not lazy — I’m just on energy-saving mode.
🍃 WEED PUN JOKES
- Why don’t stoners argue?
Because they can’t joint-ly decide anything. - What do you call a stoner detective?
Sherlock Holmes. - What’s a stoner’s favorite math?
High-pot-n-use. - Why did the stoner get a new laptop?
His old one had too many cookies. - What’s a stoner’s favorite movie genre?
High-definition.
😂 SITUATIONAL STONER JOKES
- I hid my snacks so I wouldn’t eat them when I got high.
Then I got high and spent 45 minutes looking for them like a raccoon on a treasure hunt. - WI-FI went down while I was high…
I met my family.
They seem nice. - My friend said, “Don’t smoke too much, you’ll forget everything.”
I said, “Forget what?”
He said, “See?” - I went to the fridge for water.
Came back with salsa, three pickles, whipped cream, and a spoon.
I regret nothing.
🌈 CONVERSATION-WHILE-HIGH JOKES
- “Bro, if tomatoes are a fruit… then ketchup is a smoothie.”
- “If we can’t see air… can fish see water?”
- “Do butterflies remember being caterpillars… or is that like their blackout phase?”
- “If I’m late, but I intended to be early, is that still on time in my heart?”
😶🌫️ “TOO HIGH” JOKES
- Got so high, I tried to use my car key on my apartment door…
and then got mad the house didn’t start. - I got so high I waved back at my reflection.
- I got so high I paused Netflix to read the subtitles.
- I got so high I microwaved the ice cream and froze the hot pockets.
- Thought my phone was vibrating in my pocket.
I wasn’t wearing pants.
🚬 JOINT & BONG JOKES
- Why did the joint apply for a job?
It wanted to get smoked in the interview. - What do you call a bong that tells jokes?
A giggle-rig. - My bong and I have the same relationship status:
It’s complicated. - A joint walked into a bar.
The bartender said, “Hey! No smoking!”
The joint said, “Relax, bro, I’m here to chill.”
🌿 EDIBLES JOKES
- Edibles don’t “kick in.”
They professionally roundhouse-kick you in slow motion. - Took an edible and thought I could hear my plants talking.
Turns out it was just the salad in the fridge judging me. - Edible me: “I don’t feel anything.”
Also edible me, 40 minutes later: “Why is the room breathing?” - If you take edibles and they hit exactly when you expect,
congratulations — you’re the chosen one.
💨 DROUGHT JOKES
- I’m not out of weed.
I’m just… between plants. - I ran out of weed and started cleaning the house.
My dealer texted “I’m outside.”
I immediately stopped cleaning — nature was healing.
🤣 LONGER STONER JOKES
1.
A cop pulled over a stoner and said,
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
Stoner says,
“Bro… even YOU don’t know how fast I was going.”
2.
A stoner walked into a store and said,
“Can I buy some sunglasses?”
Clerk: “For the sun?”
Stoner: “No, bro… for me.”
3.
A stoner’s GPS said,
“In 200 meters, turn left.”
The stoner blinked and said,
“I can’t do math while driving, bro.”
